MASTER HEALER TOMMY LAMA was born into harsh circumstances that would have doomed a lesser man. Tommy grew up in Brooklyn, a traditional community where people help people beat up other people. A place rich in cultures - mostly salmonella.
Tommy worked as a pest control technician while putting himself through law school until, a fateful evening he accidentally inhaled pesticide while trapped in a collapsing basement of a mini-mart. An event which changed his perspective and brain chemistry. As Tommy snapped into consciousness, he interpreted this event as a message from the universe to cleanse his Karma in order to make it into the next life. Fueled by his desire to make a difference, Tommy enlisted in the U.S.M.C summer program, where he was denied a purple heart despite nearly dying of exhaustion while still in boot camp.
Undeterred by his failure, he began a lifelong vision quest and found himself by traveling to the four corners of Google Earth. It was on this journey that he began using his powers for good. He took on the name given to him by his teacher, the great Maharaji Yamaha Suzuki Toyota, the Tommy Lama. After disseminating his message in comedy clubs, he became the back-to-back winner of the Boston and Seattle comedy competitions, appeared on the Bob and Tom Show, National Lampoon's Man Up Stand Up, and in commercials for Adidas, Monster.com and Lowe's.
A session with Tommy will change your life. Hate your job? I can show you how to get fired. Need to quit smoking? I will help you find an addiction better suited to your horoscope. Inadequate lover? I will help provide your wife with what she requires.
I have a long list of celebrity clients whose identities I cannot disclose (including Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, and Lindsay Lohan.)
Now is your turn to join their ranks.
Namaste.
